


like real people do

by thebeasknees



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Has BPD, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Running Away, Separation Anxiety, Slow Burn, past suicide attempt(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:22:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: Evan can't really remember anything from the past hour. Anything. At all.He could remember what started it all. Connor Murphy, Jared's bickering, the letter, everything. The first day of senior year was just...the last straw, he guesses. It did damage. Serious damage.And he didn't know if he could take a whole year of that. It seemed impossible.So, there ended up only really being one solution to his never ending problems.OR: Evan and Connor meet at a mental hospital.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/ Jared Kleinman(past), Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Miguel/ Connor Murphy(past)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 97





	1. up with your turrets, aren't we just terrified?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! TW for this chapter is heavily implied past suicide attempt. I hope you all enjoy reading!💞

Evan can't really remember anything from the past hour. Anything. At all. 

He could remember what started it all. Connor Murphy, Jared's bickering, the letter,  _ everything. _ The first day of senior year was just...the last straw, he guesses. It did damage. Serious damage.

And he didn't know if he could take a whole year of that. It seemed  _ impossible. _

So, there ended up only really being one solution to his never ending problems.

But there are bits. Things he can remember of what happened  _ during  _ the accident.

There are blurs, little things that he can pick out. He remembers the pills, and the tiles of his bathroom. He remembers thinking climbing another tree wouldn't be as assuring. He remembers the shakiness of his hands, and the lock of the downstairs door clicking open. Heidi's average 'Evan, I'm home!' as she walked up the stairs to find him.

But at that moment, he couldn't move. Everything was frozen, when he tried to grab the bottle of water, it fell out of his hands and onto the floor, the glass shattering and skipping across the tiles.

The door opened behind him. That's the last thing he remembers.

With  _ yelling-  _ he remembers being yelled at. She wanted an explanation that was anything else but the truth. Heidi was so persistent in getting down to the bottom of it that she used the 'like you're Dad' line.

_ "Are you lying to me? Are you lying to me just like your father, Evan?'' _

That's what made him cave in.

Now he was in the back of her car, with a blanket wrapped around him. It was blue, his favourite color. It smelled a little, but he didn't really mind. It was warm, and his Mom had the cold air blasted.

They don't speak during the car ride. Evan can hear her break down little by little, looks at her as she grips the steering wheel so tight her knuckles go white. She sounds like she's trying her best to hold them back.

  
  


She told him this would help them, help  _ her,  _ so he agreed. She doesn't seem helped by it, though.

Evan focuses on the highway, counting the red cars and the blue ones and the trucks as they pass by.

He  _ could  _ just.. Open up and roll out. Get it over with. And it's not like he's  _ going  _ to- his Mom is in the car. That would do a lot of damage on her.

He tries to open it, just a little. A test drive.

_ Child lock. _

He grunts a little, shuffling over in his seat and looking to the oncoming building they're approaching, taking a deep breath. 

Heidi parks and smiles back at him, even though her face is stained a red-pink color. Her eyes are even worse. She sniffles, rubbing her eyes.

Even when she's so close to asking the million dollar question that he can tell the words are just so close to slipping from her mouth, she sucks them back. "This is gonna help you, okay, hunny?" She assures, like she' s just so certain that it will.

That's the same thing she said with the emails, and that didn't help.

Evan feels like a blob as he follows her into the building like a lost puppy, crowning in on himself and nodding in the direction of the nurse only a little. She's signing him up, telling the symptoms, and of course,  _ nobody  _ bothers to ask him what  _ his  _ symptoms are.

"Ok,  _ sweetheart _ ," He cringes at the nickname, looking in the opposite direction of the nurse. Why did adults that know you're in a vulnerable state always do that? Try to comfort him with nicknames, of all things. Be original for once.

"We're gonna get you all set, right?" She's treating him like a baby, and even though it makes him feel a little more comfortable- he still wants to be treated like a  _ teen _ , for fuck sake.

Heidi is gone as he's taken away. Evan looks to the floor.

Just two or so weeks of this. Just two.

He can take it.

  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  


The group circle was something he'd always seen in the movies, of course. But he was hoping going to a mental hospital wasn't as cheesy as the movies made it.

Turns out, it is.

  
  


Evan stays silent the entire time as they go around the circle, waiting to be called on. The nurse, or psychologist, or whatever those Mental Help people are called asked for the patients to say their name, age, and why they're here today. Evan's head snaps up as he's suggested to as 'blonde boy', his head snapping up.

"U-Um," He starts, and this is it. This is the dreaded part of this whole mental hospital thing he's participating in. His eyes flick around. Everyone is looking at him, everyone is  _ judging  _ him. Bile packs up in his throat, and he huffs. 

"I'm- I'm Evan? And I'm here fo- here for a suicide attempt." He crowns out the words, doubling in on himself and holding on tight to his pant legs. He wipes his sweaty hands on them, looking up, trying to zone out on a wall or  _ anything  _ that sort of matches one when he's making eye contact with someone.

  
  


Normally Evan would shy away from eye contact- it's not the most pleasurable thing to have to deal with, especially for an awkward, sweaty mess like him, but he's so out of it that he just. Blinks a few times. The boy looks around his age and.. Strangely familiar, with long, greasy looking hair that looks a bit fried at the ends. He has a few pimples that scatter across his face, and strong, sharp facial features. 

Mis coloured eyes, too.

_ Connor Murphy. _

"You?" 

The boy with the long hair and the pretty features and a probable crippling hate for Evan looks up to the nurse. "Connor. Suicide attempt." He mutters, picking at his nails.

  
  


The nurse is awfully chirpy for someone in a room full of suicidal teenagers, pecking around in everyone's business. Her eyes set on him.

" _ Evan _ ," She stretches out the 'a' in 'Evan' so it sounds more like 'eeevvvaaaaaaaaan'. She does this thing where she clasps her hands together and purses her lips into the most forced smile he's ever seen.

"Would you like to share?"

Everything stops.

Evan's eyes flick around the room over and over again, and he pushes himself deeper into the chair, taking a deep breath and huffing it out again. He kicks out his feet a little. "I'm sorry, I don't think I c- I can," He can't talk about it so soon. He doesn't want to.

  
  


The nurse only makes a sound of agreement and nods in fake-understanding, turning to a different person.

Everyone else in here seems so open, just talking about traumatic experiences and stuff and being so  _ understanding.  _ There are a few times someone tears up and. Surprisingly, nobody laughs.

Guess they were all just mentally ill.

Evan realizes he can't see the time, and contemplates on what time it could be at this moment. He can't see any windows, but it's strange to him- that he might not know  _ exactly  _ what time it was.

Was that a weird thing to think?

"Alright," The nurse says, standing, "Lunch."

Evan groans.

If he can barely make it through  _ one  _ group meeting, how will he make it through lunch?

____________________________________________

  
  


Evan sits at where everyone has lunch, and surprisingly, it isn't that bad. It's quiet and soft, and people are mumbling but only  _ kind _ of- it's not as bad as he expected.

In the movies, there were always those jackets and pillow walls but this.. Wasn't too bad. He sits at one of the tables and kicks his feet. Everyone is silently drawing, or reading, or just. Sitting there. Something along those lines.

Evan picks at his food, and decides he isn't hungry, eyes flicking to the grainy colored table. He's startled when the chair squeaks next to him, and he looks up to meet eyes with Connor Murphy.

Connor must think he's a  _ freak,  _ truly. Making some weird sex letter about his own sister?(It really wasn't. He just wanted to be friends with her, and he was desperate.) Laughing at Jared's jokes?

  
  


He must  _ despise  _ him, actually.

"Hey, uh," Connor starts, clearing his throat, "Evan Hansen, right?"

Evan tightens up, furrows his eyebrows. Obviously Connor knows who he is, (or maybe he's just that forgettable), so why is he asking? Probably to confirm it before he beats him up. Evan would do the same to anyone who said anything mildly creepy about his sister, why wouldn't anyone else?

Evan makes a little nodding motion, and looks up to Connor and  _ actually  _ holds eye contact this time.

  
  


"I'm.. So fucking sorry. About the whole letter thing- I get it. You had a little crush on her and you were  _ clearly  _ going through shit, if I had actually bothered to read through the whole letter, and I made it about me somehow, which was. Dumb as fuck of me."

Connor looks genuinely sincere, and he never thought he would get an apology for something that was obviously his fault, but. It was nice. 

"I didn't have a crush on he- on her. I just wanted to be her friend." Evan says, but he mumbles it. Connor still hears, and he nods before opening his mouth again.

  
  


"And I also need to apologize since we're like. Roommates, or some shit."

_ Roommates? _

Fuck, Evan had forgotten about that. He really had. Having a roommate in a mental health hospital seemed fucking  _ terrifying _ , A mentally ill person in a room with another mentally ill person. Sounds deadly. And dangerous.

But Connor wasn't completely nuts, just. Obviously going through something. Since he was in the same section of Evan, he could guess what he was here for.

He thinks about it for a moment.

The realization hits him like a truck, and he gulps.

Did Connor attempt on the same day Evan did?

  
  
  


"It's- It's fine. I don't think you're insane or- or anything, if that's what you're worrying about." Evan assures, because he knows the kids a bit off the handle, but he doesn't  _ seem  _ insane. He would probably be in a completely different place if that was the case.

"Oh." Connor says flatly, and he sounds a little confused, tilts his head to the side like he's questioning him. "Well, that's all I really wanted to say I guess. I'll get out of your shit now-" 

Evan doesn't know what he was thinking. At all. But it just slips out before he can stop it, and he doesn't know if he regrets it or not when Connor pauses, sets down his tray, and starts eating.

  
  


Evan does the same.

They don't talk the entire time. Evan thinks about how the first time someone has willingly sat with him is in a mental hospital and how that's… Exceedingly pathetic.

  
  


He also thinks if Connor was planning, at the beginning of the school day, to commit. He wonders what would have happened if Connor had succeeded.

For some reason, it strikes a nerve in him. Makes him so uncomfortable he shifts in his seat. The thought of this kid he doesn't even know dying really, really bothers him, to the point where he pushes the thought to the back of his head, all the way back so he doesn't think of it anymore.

  
  


"Are you good?" Connor asks, clearly noticing how uncomfortable he looks, taking it as being comfortable because of  _ him.  _

"Yeah, I'm good, I j- I just.." Evan trails off, looking at Connor's shirt.

His eyes light up.

"Is that a Nirvana shirt?" Evan asks, looking up from the t-shirt and back up to Connor. Connor raises an eyebrow of bemusement, squinting his eyes a little.

"Yeah?"

"Do you listen to them?"

  
  
  
  



	2. what did you expect?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's something bitter in the air.

It turns out, Connor Murphy actually does like Nirvana. 

Evan says Smells Like Teen Spirit is his favourite song, and Connor calls him a bit tacky. They have a genuine conversation, even though it's a bit.. Rocky. They avoid the fact that they're in a mental hospital for teens as a subject and just. Talk.

Evan hasn't  _ actually  _ had a conversation with another teenager about his genuine interests in  _ years.  _ There was always Jared, but he would brush him off all the time, treat him like a second choice even though there were no other choices to choose from. And then there was their hookups, but those were exactly that- hookups. Jared always left after.

It always felt horrible.

But Connor is, like,  _ okay.  _ Evan knows nothing about him yet, at all, but he's cool. Chill. Medium.

God, that sounds.. So mean.

But Evan is getting off subject.

The point is that the first day in the mental hospital wasn't too bad, not for a First Day At The Mental Hospital sort of day.

And now he needs to sleep.

But the thing is, thoughts are chasing him and asking for explanations. Why the attempt didn't work, why he wasn't more careful, what he could have done to  _ avoid  _ getting in this situation.

He couldn't even kill himself right.

Fuck.

He twists around in the bed, shifting uncomfortably and he sets eyes on Connor's side of the room. Connor sleeps on his back, and you can hear light puffs of air exiting his nose.

Connor's eyes flutter open, and he huffs.

"You can't- You can't sleep either?" Evan asks, pressing his lips together in concern. Connor flips over to see him, blinking a few times, before turning around again. Even though it stings, Evan shouldn't have expected a full conversation just because they have the same band.

But then Connor mumbles something.

  
  


"No, I can't. It's too fucking cold in here." He complains, flipping around a couple of times before just sitting up, stretching his legs out and focusing on the roof.

  
  


Well, that wasn't exactly what Evan was going to say, but he'll take it.

Evan nods in agreement, also sitting up, but his arms around himself for warmth. Sighing, he rolls little circles into his back, humming constantly. He did this, a lot, to try to get his mind off of things. It made him feel soft. Comforted.

Connor looks at him and snorts, raising an eyebrow that comes off as a judgy one. "Are you hugging yourself?"

Evan's arms quickly fall, and he starts to pick at his hands, swallowing hard and shriveling into the bed, biting his tongue. "Sorry, that must l- look really uh, weird. Sorr- Sorry." 

Connor shakes his head and it gets so quiet that Evan can hear himself blinking. "I didn't mean it like that, dude. I just mean that's, like, pretty smart."

It takes Evan a while to develop, that he realizes that Connor,  _ the  _ Connor Murphy is making a joke. With him. Not at him. With him.

It's a bad one, but that's what makes it funny.

Evan tries to fight back a stupid little grin, smacking his hand to his face. He giggles into it, and Connor looked so mellow just a few moments ago, but Evan watches his face light up just a little, and they smile at each other.

  
  


Without another word, Connor flips over, looking to the wall. "I'm gonna try to catch some sleep."

"Okay," Evan says, "Goodnight." After that little half-conversation, he feels a bit more relieved, for some reason. That pit in his stomach is still there, but it's withered, just enough for him to fall asleep.

  
  


"Night, Hansen."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  


Evan thought he knew what he was expecting, when visiting hours came. The nurse came for him, the same nurse that greeted him in the beginning, and she leads him to the waiting room.

He thought he was going to see his Mother.

That's what he was hoping. And even then, who else would it be? Nobody really cared for him, especially not enough to come check on him in a mental hospital. He has friends, but Jared was a  _ family  _ friend. He knows there's a difference since it was pointed out just so many times to him that he lost count.

  
  
  


But there's still hope. There's still hope that it might be Jared. Maybe he  _ would  _ come for him, all the way here to see him- would he? He hopes so. But Evan has learned how to not 'hope' and to just 'guess'.

Hope is a dangerous concept, for a boy like him.

  
  


But then he sees who came.

It's a man. Blonde hair that's messy and switched all ways around, tall and sturdy looking, his arms held sternly to his chest. He looks stressed, and looks strangely familiar- there are red marks under his eyes as if he's been crying. Dark, deep eye bags under.

The man looks up to him, and his eyes widen as he shivers, and falters back a little. 

"You've… you've gotten big." The man says, and he has a fond look to his face, as he tilts it to the side. 

Then it clicks.

Blonde hair, the strands that his Mother used to trim every month. Sturdy, long arms- they were good for helping you climb, picking you off the couch when you fell asleep, pushing you on the swings.

No.

He refuses. He refuses to let people just come in and ruin shit for him even when he's doing good, he refuses to let this happen again- he's already so bad and he's not good and he can't let this happen again. He feels himself fill up with anger,, and his sight floods with hate as he remembers all this man put him and his Mother through.

The money.

  
  


The food.

The pain of watching someone you look up to just walk away without an explanation. The pain of losing someone so dear to you.

He won't let that happen again.

  
  


This is why he wanted to be gone, why he wanted it all to be over with. This. Nobody will ever care about him until he's dead. And even then, that's questionable.

  
  


"What are  _ you-  _ you doing here?" Evan sneers, and he backs up, caving in on himself. The nurses outside the room glance at him.

Evan's dad sighs, like he has a right to be 'annoyed' with him. "I'm.. I'm so sorry, Evan, really. If I could do anything to fix this, if you'd let me," Mark is starting to come off as desperate for his forgiveness.

"I don't want your a- apology." Evan snaps, looking away from him.

"Please, Evan, I'm  _ trying, _ " 

"Trying isn't enough. I don't care if you- if you feel bad that I almost died from killing myself, I don't care if you feel pity for me, because I'm not a- not a charity case. Go away. I don't want you here. I could have used you ten years ago, but you weren't- you weren't  _ there,  _ and now it's too late. " Evan trails, pointing at him accusingly as he sits back to the chair, letting out a deep puff. 

  
  


Mark stumbles back like he's been physically hurt, his arms tighter around his chest. Evan only looks away, looking up to the ceiling.

  
  


"I'd like you to leave now." Evan says, trying to sound strong, trying to sound sure of himself when really he just wanted to launch himself across the room and get a nice,  _ good  _ punch in.

  
  


But he was a coward.

So of course, he didn't.

  
  


"Evan, kiddo…" He starts, his eyebrows shifting up a little. He looks like he's about to cry. 

"Goodbye, Mark."

Evan closes his eyes as Mark walks through the door, and only opens them when he hears it close.

Fuck.

  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  
  


Connor jolts when Evan slams himself next to him, pushing his head between his arms and huffing. 

Evan is. So  _ pissed. _

  
  
  


He can feel Connor's eyes on him, but he only buries his head deeper, a little annoyed when it hits the table, making a sound that complies to the sound of a hiss.

  
  
  


"Fuck, what got up you're ass today?" Connor asks, and it sounds more like a joke, but. It only makes Evan groan even  _ more _ , and Connor looks at him with even more confusion. 

  
  
  


He knows they are not in that Comfortable Stage Of Talking yet, but he needs to be pissed at something, he needs to be angry, so once he opens his mouth he just can't shut it. "My Dad came today. I haven't seen him in- seen him in like, ten years. And now he's here because he knows I tried to kill mys- kill myself and now he thinks he has the right to just.. Come into my life and fuck it up worse than he already did."

Connor is listening, and he completely puts his fork down, listening to Evan speak.

Fuck. When's the last time someone did that?

  
  


"And I hate him so- so much, you have no idea. He just.. Left us and I won't let him come back so easily. I can't." Evan says, and now that he's got some of it out (he left out the part where he wishes every night that Mark was dead) he feels less like slamming his head into a wall.

Connor nods, like he's taking it in. He waits for a moment, a few more bites of his food, and then he looks up at him. "Your Dad is a dick." He says, matter-a-factly, and Evan can't help but kind of snort at how plain he is about it.

  
  


"N- No shit, sherlock." 

Connor only grins in response, and then his face falls. He presses his lips together.

"My Dad told everyone that I did it," Evan guesses the 'it' they are refering to is the suicide attempt, "For  _ attention. _ "

Evan sneers. What type of Father would say that about their kid? A bad one, he's guessing. "Fuck him." He says, sternly, and Connor nods in agreement.

"Fuck him."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you guys enjoyed todays chapter. I know i said it would be a update every monday sort of think, but I am very impatient and in need of validation.
> 
> Anyways, kudos and comments are much appreciated! Have a lovely day!💞


	3. you're the only friend i need, sharing beds like little kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like or like like?

He doesn't know how to turn on the shower.

And it's not like Evan doesn't like taking showers, or that he likes taking no shower for a week or two. He doesn't like doing that. He starts to feel itchy, even if he hasn't gone anywhere-  _ dirty.  _ Dirty is a feeling that he always feels.

But it's hard to not look down in a shower.

He starts to pick out every single insecurity. Starts to look at the bruises and the scars and the way his belly sticks out. He starts to look at his legs, that are short and stubby, and his arms, soft and  _ also  _ short.

But he  _ has  _ to take a shower. Right now. He hadn't for more than three days and he needed to get it together. To try.

Even if he would probably be in tears by the end of it.

  
  


He needs to get this over with- do it quick and fast. But he can't do that if he doesn't even know how to put on the  _ damn bath. _

"Hey, Ev," Connor calls from the outside. Evan doesn't know when 'ev' became a thing, but, he hasn't had a term of endearment like that since..

Since forever.

It was nice. Jared used to always call him 'acorn', which wasn't exactly the best nickname that he could have gotten, but Jared obviously doesn't know  _ why.  _ So he used to deal with it.

  
  


But. 'Ev'. Just  _ Ev _ .

It was simple. Evan could get behind a nickname like that.

"Do you need help? With the shower. You seem like you're having a hard time with it." Evan doesn't understand why it sounds so forced, or  _ suggestive,  _ but he just nods with an answer of 'Yes, please.'

Connor does a few twists on the shower and it turns on. Evan's change of clothes is right on the counter, so Evan just jumps into the bath and lets his clothes soak in, slipping them off while the shower is still on. 

"Jesus fuck, dude," Connor says as Evan throws his clothing over the curtain. "I could have left."

"No, this is, uhm, how I take showers. I don't really like it.. Looking. You- You know?" Evan says, hissing at the cold water and trying to get a quick wash off so he can get out of it.

"Looking." It sounds like it was supposed to be a question, but Connor says it so plainly it loses the Question type of vibe. "Why can't you?" 

  
  


"I'm fat. And… there's. Scars.a lot of them." Evan says, and Connor is silent for a moment before he makes a hum that sounds like understatement. 

"Bodies are made to scar and bruise. That's like. Their job. Bruises and scars heal, eventually, they aren't forever- and even while they're there, they don't make you unpleasant to look at. Would you say that about anyone who's ever gotten hurt and developed scars in the process?"

  
  
  


Well. He's never really thought of it like that. Evan turns off the shower and bites his lip, trying to think of a good answer for a moment. "Okay well,  _ besides  _ that-" Evan shakes his head a little, "Even without scars- I'm still ugly."

"No, you aren't. In my opinion, you're a pretty fucking cute boy, dude." Connor seems so nonchalant about it, and it makes him feel a little more comfy.

Evan doesn't know when his cheeks get so red. It kind of just happens. "Shouldn't you leave so the nurses don't think we're- we're fucking in here?" Connor sounds like he's choking, and it quickly dissolves into laughter.

Evan wouldn't make a joke like that around just anyone. 

He hopes Connor knows that.

"I'm leaving. Catch you at the group?"

"Totally."

Evan really likes having such a good friend. Because that's what Connor is. A friend. Friends can call other friends pretty, right?

"And, Ev," Connor says, and Evan can feel his eyes on the curtain. "Seriously. Give yourself more credit. You're pretty."

Evan can't really convince himself Connor is lying when he sounds so truthful.

  
  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  


Evan doesn't see Connor during the group.

When he asks the nurse where he is, Evan doesn't get an answer, which is even  _ worse.  _ Most of the time when somebody leaves, they at least tell the patients.

So. It couldn't have been that.

Gosh, what if he's hurt himself somehow? What if he's stuck somewhere, what if he went batshit on a nurse and he's getting sent to permanent mental hospital, what if-

Evan, now, sees Connor at lunch, and immediately comes to sit down with him, looking at him with concern. Connor looks up at him, and his eyes are an angry red color. His face looks dry, dehydrated, as he sniffles.

"Hey," Evan says, and he's trying to catch Connor's eyes again. Connor only bites his lip, and he does it hard- the pink in them is slowly fading. 

"My fucking- my fucking _dad_ came today, and he just, he told me that I was- That I was a disgrace and that I wasn't even trying to get better when I'm trying my hardest, and he doesn't even- he doesn't even know that _this_ is why I didn't want to be here anymore. Because even my own family, in fact, _nobody_ would give two fucks if I just dropped dead." Connor is trailing, shaking his head as he wipes his tears and people are starting to stare. He's taking short, heavy breaths.

  
  


" _ I _ would. I would give- I would give a fuck." Evan mumbles, and Connor looks at him. He has his eyebrows raised, and he kind of coughs a laugh, wiping away his tears again.

"Wh- Are you serious?" Connor asks, a little smile on his face.

Connor looks so pretty when he smiles.

"One hundred percent. I would give all- all the fucks. Tons of fucks. Infinity fucks."

  
  


Connor starts giggling, which is an even  _ prettier  _ sight. His dimples show and he has a little gap in the front of his teeth and his freckles that are few, but still there, shine a little brighter. He mumbles an 'okay, I get it,' but Evan doesn't stop there. He keeps going.

"You're- You were dealt shitty parents. A shitty Dad. And you still- you still need help, but, you're an okay person, Connor. And you're getting better. Obviously."

Connor rolls his eyes, even though there's just a speckle of trust in his face. "Stop it. That's cheesy."

"Oh, fuck you, Connor." Evan says, playful, and he'd forgotten how nice it felt actually joking around with someone. It was a nice feeling.

A really nice feeling.

And Connor is also, really, really nice.

  
  


Everything, in this moment, is really, really nice. And he wants it to stay this way forever.

  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  


Evan shifts on the bed, taking in a deep breath of air and exhaling. The room has started to smell like Connor. Evan sits up, looking over to Connor.

He's still annoyed over how there are no blankets, and he  _ knows,  _ safety hazard or whatever, but it's still.. Insanely cold. Evan looks over to him, humming a little when their eyes meet.

"It's cold as shit in here." Connor mumbles, sighing into the comforter. "Uh.. Body warmth?" Connor asks, stretching out his arms. Evan raises an eyebrow, slightly confused. Connor shakes his head, putting his arms down again.

  
  


"Nevermind, seriously, it was  _ stupid-" _

Evan crosses his arms, making a sound of disagreement. "Nothing you say to me is- is stupid. What does that mean?"

"Uh.." Connor looks kind of blushy, soft, and Evan is writhing in the way his hair falls over his face. 

_ God, he's cute _ .

"Me and Zoe used to play this, like, game when we were younger where we would huddle up when it got cold. 'Body warmth'. I thought that was, like, a game that everyone played when we were younger.."

Evan had heard of the game, when he was younger, but he never really played because of.. Obvious reasons. "Oh. C'mere, then."

Connor pauses, and then slivers next to him, sitting on the bed. Evan beckons him closer, making a little 'come hither' motion with his hands. Small, but forward.

He was  _ trying  _ to be forward. Trying to be Cool and Calm and Collected. Totally. That's what he was.

He was very Cool and Calm and Collected when Connor crawled into his lap, wrapping his arms around his back and shuffling his face into the crook of his neck. He was very Cool and Calm and Collected as Connor's soft lips brushed up against his collarbone.

Evan was fine and totally not dying. He was not dying. 

Evan hangs onto his waist and pulls him just a little closer, and for some reason, he doesn't push away. 

  
  


They're.  _ Insanely  _ close, so close Evan can hear his heartbeat. It's becoming gradually faster, and Connor separates from his neck, looking at him. Evan tilts his head in confusion.

"Are you okay?" He asks, reaching out to brush the hair out of his face before faltering back. That's not a thing that friends do. They're friends. Buddies. Bros. Nothing else.

  
  


Connor would never want anything else. It's already enough that he's bothering to talk to him.

Evan doesn't need anything else. He doesn't. This is enough- being next to someone is enough.

  
  


Connor couldn't want anything.. Romantic to do with him. That's dumb. Connor is too perfect and too pretty and too Connor to like him. He's too shiny.

"Why would you ever want to- to me? I don't under- understand, I don't," Connor is joking with him, touching him like this. Connor has never liked him, Connor obviously has other friends outside of school and he acted like he liked Evan just to do this.

That's what's happening here. That  _ has  _ to be what's happening here.

Connor has a soft grip on his arms, and everything is so buzzy and so perfect and so, so weird.

  
  


But he leans into it. At some point, Connor pulls apart from him and presses soft pecks to his neck, and his cheeks, and his nose, whispering little mumbles softly against Evan's ear, And he is going to die on the hospital bed right now at this moment.

"The nurse is gonna come here soon," Evan whispers, and Connor makes a hum of annoyance against his shoulder, pulling away and grinning. Evan grins back.

  
  


Evan decides to not question what just happened and assume that they aren't friends. He guesses? He doesn't know what the norm is for friends.

"He- Hey, Connor, are you just.. Not gonna talk to me when we get back to school? I mean, you can, I know I'm a embarrassment or whatever-"

  
  
  


"Of course I'll keep on talking to you. Why the fuck would I not?" Connor says, sounding a bit defensive, and Evan races to explain himself.

"It's just that, me and Jared are family friends and- and uh, he doesn't really like me that much and I don't know maybe this is just a one time thing and-" Evan is jumping to conclusions, he knows, but most of the time when he's jumping to conclusions he's right.

  
  


"Evan, look at me." Evan does. "I  _ like  _ you, okay? I think you're really nice. You're fucked up, obviously, but I am too. I wouldn't be here right now if I wasn't, dude. Seriously. We're good."

'I like you', 'I think you're really nice'. 

_ I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. _

Evan repeats the words in his head over and over and over again, blushing a little as he hears them in his head over and over and over again. 

_ He likes me. _

_ Somebody likes me. _

  
  


"Oh," Evan giggles a little, slapping his hand over his mouth, "Okay."

"Okay?" Connor asks back.

"Mhm."

"I really like you, Connor." Evan mutters when Connor is settling in his own bed.

"I really like you too, Ev."

  
  
  
  


Evan doesn't really know what type of like they're talking about, but he doesn't really want to know, right now.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i said i would update every monday. I know that it's quite dumb of me to keep on updating a fic when i know i've only written eight or nine chapters for it. Do i care? No.
> 
> Basically, the plan originally was for me to write this out and then release the fic, but since i am dumb and impulsive i decided that *yes*, releasing this fic is totally a good idea. (I'm desperate for feedback, basically.) 
> 
> Though, I can promise you I have a basic outline for the plot. Yes, there will be characters other than Evan and Connor. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading. Have a lovely day yall!💞


	4. and i hope if i'd found the strength to walk out, you'd stay the hell out of my way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The air is clearer without the stuffiness there.

Evan doesn't get a warning when he's suddenly called to pack his shit and get out the room. Connor was going to be here for the rest of the weekend, which meant for that time, Connor would be alone.

  
  


That wasn't a good thing. At all. Evan tries to look on the bright side- at least they'd have the first day of school together. But looking on the brightside wasn't exactly the easiest when he had to face his Mom. And Dad. And Jared.

Evan doesn't doubt that Jared didn't figure it out yet, and he doesn't blame him. They aren't friends and never have been. Why would he worry? What about? They almost never see each other on the weekends unless it's for car insurance. Or fucking.

  
  


Evan whispers his number three times into his ear. Three times, makes Connor promise he's got it, makes  _ sure  _ he remembers before being torn away from him.

  
  


He should be happy to leave. It's a mental hospital. He feels okay, he guesses- he doesn't exactly feel like taking a swan dive off the roof, but. Maybe he just doesn't have enough energy.

  
  


During the car ride, Heidi is cautious in what he asks him- like he's fragile, and during a red light, she looks at him. "Jared was worried." Evan flinches at his name, shaking his head a little in disbelief. He tries not to scoff, but it slips out anyway.

  
  


She reaches out to hold onto his hand, and even though it's uncomfortable, he lets her anyway. "Why the long face? He  _ cares  _ about you, hunny," She doesn't know the half of it. She doesn't know about the taunting, and the using,  _ everything.  _ Heidi doesn't know what she's talking about.

  
  


Jared thinks he's an embarrassment. A stuttering loser. Jared thinks he has a dumb obsession with trees, Jared thinks he's  _ easy,  _ Jared thinks a lot of things about Evan and none of them are good.

"Stop it!" He snaps, slamming his hand against the door, and Heidi jumps, looking at him with concern. With pity. "I'm sorry, I just- I just.. Please. Jus- Just stop." He reels out, trying to give her anything that will make her shut up. Talking about him is hard enough, he doesn't want to think about how he could have been affected by this.

Even though Evan is completely sure nobody,  _ nobody _ at all would care if he just disappeared off the face of the earth. 

She breaks the silence again.

"Sweetheart. Jared is at the house right now. He said.. He said he needs to talk to you." Talk to him.  _ Talk  _ to him, and about what?

Car insurance? He probably didn't get it this entire week. 

"A-About what?" He says, bitterly, because it's just a reminder of one of the reasons he wanted to fuck off this earth.

  
  


His only friend before he met Connor didn't even see him as one.

Heidi doesn't answer, instead, she makes a slight U-turn. This means he really has no choice in talking to Jared in the first place.

Fantastic.

  
  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  
  


As Evan walks into the house, he kind of relaxes. Everything is the same. The coffee pot, the table with many scratches in it, the cracked windows. Everything was the same.

That was a comfort.

He walks down the hall, and he watches out for the spots where there are creaks in the wood. He opens his bedroom door, and, speak of the devil, there he is. 

Jared's head snaps up towards him when the door makes That Sound his door always makes. "Evan," He looks tired. Really tired. His hair is tousled and his eyes droop, eyelashes shadowing over them. He's shaking his head. "Evan, is it true?"

He takes a step away from him. Of course he knows, but it's still a shocker that the cat's out of the bag. "Yeah." He mumbles, and he doesn't know why he feels  _ embarrassed _ \- maybe it's the fact that he can't even kill himself right and probably everyone at the school knows.

  
  


" _ W- Why _ ?" Jared says, and his voice is getting louder in octave as he stands up from Evan's bed. "Why? You were fine, anxious but  _ fine,  _ and then you just. Why didn't you say something? I could have.. I could have done  _ something,  _ do you really think that there's no one that would miss you?" Jared sniffles, wiping st his eyes, shaking the suicide note infront of his face. Evan snags it from his hands, setting it down and looking away.

  
  
  


He doesn't know why people suddenly love him. Maybe it's because they didn't get a chance to apologize, revive themselves- prove themselves a good person. 

  
  
  


But he's not gonna be a pawn for that.

  
  


"Yeah, Jared," Evan starts, looking up to him and taking a deep breath because he's angry, he's so pissed that suddenly everyone gives a shit about him. "Yeah, I- I did. What, are you gonna blame me? Are you go- you gonna tell me I could have  _ talked  _ to someone? Well fucking ex- excuse me, Jared, but everyone that used to be on that list, a short one, I was- was convinced hated me." He bites, and he gets louder as he gets angrier, and he throws a pillow in his direction.

  
  


"But. You could have," Jared is yelling back through tears, and Evan is seeing them, big and fat, rolling down his face and downward to his collarbones. "You could have said  _ something! _ "

  
  


Everything is gathering up. Years of being shunned by his Dad, seeing pictures of his perfect family and wondering what he did to not deserve that. His Mom telling him that he's getting better and pressuring him to do shit he doesn't want to do-  _ work harder Evan, can you at least try, Evan, did you even try, Evan, did you do your email today, Evan.  _ Over and over and over again.

  
  


And then there was Jared. Jared, that always reminded him he was nothing more than a family friend. Made  _ sure  _ he knew he was nothing more than that.

And now, suddenly, everyone cares about him?

Bullshit.

Years of pushing all that down, years of dealing with the same shit again and again and again is packing in his throat, like foam, and he decides that for once he's going to open his mouth and actually say what he's thinking.

  
  
  


"Well maybe I didn't want your help! Eve- Ever thought about that? Maybe I just want to- to fuck off this earth and never have to hear how much I'm not needed  _ ever  _ again!" Evan keeps on going, because now he can't stop, "Maybe I never wanted to deal with you're mocking ever again! Maybe I hated being around you just as much as you hated being around me. Maybe I didn't  _ want  _ to be used. Hav- Have you ever thought about that?!"

  
  


Jared pauses. The silence is so, so big- suffocating. It fills up the room, claws around their necks. It's painful. But that weight that followed Evan everywhere- it was gone. He didn't have to take it anymore. Didn't have to swallow it down anymore.

  
  


But he's not done.

"And, let's be honest, Jared," Evan starts, opening up his lap top and replacing the spot where Jared sat. "All I ever was to you was something for you to- to  _ fuck _ , and a way to pay your car insurance."

That seems to push him off the edge. Jared picks up his bag and rushes out the room, the door closing behind him. He is walking down the stairs so quick that Evan hears the footsteps. 

He's tired of being a second choice. And he's tired of being a family friend. 

They were  _ much  _ more than that.

And then it all floods into his brain of what Jared could say, what he could do. He could tell everyone about his attempt, but then again, who doesn't know? News spreads fast in this town. 

But would Jared ever go that far because of a few words he said? He doesn't think so. Evan hit a soft spot, maybe, but that's it. 

_ Besides,  _ he thinks, looking over to his phone,  _ There are more important things to think about. _

  
  
  
  


__________________________________________

  
  


In the morning, Evan is a little surprised to wake up to the roof of his room rather than the roof of the hospital. When he turns and doesn't see Connor, his stomach feels like it's dropping, and he sits up quickly to grasp his surroundings, a cold sweat slipping down his face.

  
  


He does the things he used to do a few weeks ago when this was the norm. Washes his face, brushes his teeth. All the things he's done for the past seventeen years. 

But the air is tense. Something is different from how it used to be, and he's not stupid. He knows it's probably the fact he tried to off himself just one or two weeks ago. But it's still strange.

  
  


He walks down the stairs, and, like usual, his Mother isn't there. It's not a surprise. She used to try to wait for him to wake up to say goodbye, but he guesses that's not an option anymore.

  
  


She did leave a note, though.

'Breakfast is in the fridge. Call me if you need anything!-Mom :)' 

It was written in her usual quick, rushy handwriting. There were a few little hearts written around it, filled out and others not. He opens the fridge and then closes it again.

He doesn't feel like eating.

Evan replaces his 'healthy' breakfast with a spare whipped cream can, and falls onto the couch, letting out a deep breath as he turns on the t.v. He really ever puts it on as background noise for going onto his phone. 

  
  


The day goes by like the days always do. Slow and lonely and  _ terribly  _ silent- even the t.v can't hide the fact that there's no one else in the house but him.

  
  


He's moments away from sleeping it all off for the rest of the day, settling himself on a pillow when his phone abruptly rings.

He fumbles with it, squinting at the number that isn't his mothers, just a bit confused, when it hits him.

_ Connor. _

He presses the answer button and puts it to his ear. "C- Connor?" He'd forgotten for just a moment that he hated phone calls. But now he's remembered, and he's sweating bullets. 

Connor's smooth, soft, welcoming voice comes and everything is okay again. Everything is still. He lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. It's okay now.

Connor's alive.

"Hey, Ev," Evan makes this laugh that sounds a little bit like its soaking with disbelief, but hopeful. Connor is alive. Connor is alive.

"You didn't- You didn't die." Evan sniffles, because fuck he does not want to cry at the moment, but he's just. Glad he isn't dead. Glad he didn't do something stupid. 

"Wow, way to greet a guy, dude." Connor jokes, and Evan laughs just a little through his sniffles. There's a pause. "Oh my god, are you  _ crying  _ right now? I never took you for such a sap, dude, oh my fucking  _ lords-" _

  
  


_ " _ Oh, fuck- fuck off." Evan mutters, and they stay on the phone for a while. Connor tells him about Shitty Larry- his apparent father and his decent mom, Cynthia. Evan had heard of Larry somewhere, but he's heard of Cynthia the most. Heidi had lost to her in those local pie baking talent shows  _ far  _ too many times for him to have kept count.

  
  


It was.. An interesting few years, that's for sure. 

Evan still doesn't know how the next day is going to go. Staying under a shadow and slipping right past the eyes of the bullies would, most likely, fail. But this time he had someone. Someone that might help him.

  
  


It wasn't  _ assured,  _ but they were friends. Or on the spectrum. Connor said he wouldn't bail on him, and Evan is trying his hardest to believe that. 

"I can pick you up, if you want. My parents pitied me and gave me my car back." Connor says through the phone, and it sounds like a spring is bouncing while he moves around on the bed. 

Evan sometimes got picked up by Jared. But that was on the days he needed some money from his parents, so like. It never meant there was progress.

  
  


And Evan is.. Completely freaked out, most of the time, driving with someone he doesn't know.

But tomorrow, by the weather forecast, it's going to be  _ pouring,  _ and he would rather drive with Connor than walk around in rain and end up getting soaked. He would never flat out make Heidi drive him to school. She's too busy for that.

  
  


So he comes to the conclusion that, even though he doesn't want to be a bother, he really has no choice. Not having a choice is a nice thing. 

  
  


"Totally. I- I'll like, message you my address. If that's okay?" Connor makes a sound that sounds like an exhausted ' _ of course, evan,'  _ and Evan sighs.

School is going to be tiring. And long, and full of what he's guessing of new nicknames.

But Connor would be going through it too, wouldn't he? So it wouldn't be  _ that  _ bad.

  
  


It wouldn't be.

It wouldn't.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!💞
> 
> Jared really does love him, he just. Really fucking sucks at doing it lslslslskkdk
> 
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated!


	5. just the two of us, we can make it if we try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smells like teen angst bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: the f slur, suicidal thoughts, panic attack

In the morning, the alarm is what wakes him up. There's a message from his Mother, filled with smiley faces and heart emojis. It was just like her- overly supportive and fake. 

But it didn't matter. He didn't want to care. So he decided that he didn't.

It didn't matter that he nearly died a few weeks ago- it really didn't. It was nobody's problem other than his. He shouldn't have expected things to change a little just because he tried to die.

  
  


He goes through all the normal things he does in the morning, except this time, he has to get dressed. He's going through his closet that's filled with polo shirts and khaki pants, but he stops when he's met with something different.

  
  


A skirt. It's long, of course, and has little daisies trickled all over them. It's pretty, and looks flowy, looks like it would hang comfortably around his waist. He imagines what he would look like in it, and for just a moment, the idea is nice.

But this is highschool. He's already probably got a whole lot of eyes on him, why would he want more? Just the thought of walking through his small town with a  _ skirt  _ makes him want to vomit. 

  
  


He quickly chooses his normal outfit and puts it on, grabbing an apple as he exits the kitchen.

  
  


His phone dings, and he picks it up. 

_ 'Im outside'  _ It reads, and there's no name under the number. He enters in a quick 'Connor <:)' and leaves it at that, wondering out the house and jumping into his truck. It's a dark green color, and smells like candle wax and chocolate on the inside. 

It's cold. Freezing, actually. He shuffles in the seat and wraps his arms around himself. "Good- Goodmorning."

"G'Morning." Connor answers, and his voice sounds a little sleepy. His eyes trail over Evan's frame and he raises a sharp eyebrow. "Aren't you cold?"

Evan shakes his head even though he's shivering, and brings himself in in a fetal position for body warmth. It doesn't work.

Connor gives him a look that he's never gotten from Connor before, and then turns to the back and grabs a random hoodie that's baggy and at least smells a little nice. He pushes it into Evan's hands. "Don't want you catching a cold, Ev. Put the hoodie on."

Evan nearly protests, but it's freezing and the hoodie smells so comforting and it looks  _ so warm _ , so he slips it over his head and looks out the window, seeing the rain patter down on the glass.

  
  


As the car starts, Evan rests his head on it, taking a deep breath in.

At a red light, Connor takes out his phone and plugs it into the aux, looking back to the road and sighing. He looks a little impatient, tapping on the wheel.

Connor seems like the type of guy to have road rage.

_ 'Like a heartbeat, drives you mad, _

  
  


_ In the stillness of remembering what you had,' _

Evan grins, just a little. "Is this Fleetwood Mac?" Connor looks at him and grins back, nodding. "What's your- your favourite song?"

  
  


Connor takes a moment to think about it. They should be a few minutes away from the school by now. "Hm.. Rhiannon. Totally." Evan playfully rolls his eyes, mumbing a ' _ but everyone likes Rhiannon, it's a masterpiece,'  _ and it slips back into a comfortable silence. (When had silences ever been comfortable?)

  
  


_ 'And what you lost, _

_ And what you had, _

_ And what you lost.. _ '

They start to pull into the school, and Connor is looking around expectantly, probably for a parking spot. The one he spotted gets filled by another, and Evan tries not to laugh when Connor mutters an annoyed  _ 'shit _ !'

  
  


_ 'Oh, thunder, only happens when it's raining, _

_ Players, only love you when they're playing, _

_ They say women, they will come and they will go, _

_ When the rain washes you clean, you'll know, _

_ You'll know,' _

  
  


They find a parking spot eventually. Evan moves to grab onto the handle, but it doesn't budge. Evan raises an eyebrow and tries harder. Then it hits him.

Connor has him on child lock.

Evan sends him a questioning eye, his eyes flicking to the handle of the car. Connor only shrugs and gets out, goes around, and opens the door for him. Evan jumps out, and they both don't speak of the child lock as they walk next to each other, going up to the doors.

  
  


Evan can feel eyes on him, and he shrinks under said eyes, caving in on himself to make himself smaller. Small to the point where they can't see him.

Connor, on the other hand, doesn't seem bothered. He simply keeps a firm grip on Evan's arm, and stands proud, his eyes piercing into anyone who dares to stare. They all shake away from him at contact.

  
  


This, Evan realizes, is Connor Murphy being who he is at school. Connor Murphy, the school shooter in the making. Connor Murphy, the quitter. Connor Murphy, the fighter.

Two of those versions of Connor Murphy, Evan has not met with yet. Evan has met with the Jokester of Connor, the soft, undefined, vulnerable of Connor- the  _ protective _ of Connor.

Evan is glad he'd decided to learn the sides that were not given a light at school. Now, Connor wasn't Connor Murphy to him. Now, he was just Connor.

He's happy with that. Happy with that fact.

As they walk into the halls, Evan gets a few mumbles as he passes, shoves that come from big, beefy jocks- but surprisingly, that's all he deals with.  _ So far, that's all you've dealt with. _ Evan reminds himself, huddling closer to Connor. He guesses they look like friends.

That's good. Evan wants to be Connor's friend.

  
  


"You gotta get to class, Ev." People are starting to pause when they see a new face next to Connor- an unfamiliar face. A few whispers of 'Is that Evan Hansen?' Are muttered under somebody's breath. 

  
  


It's surprising. He didn't think anyone knew his name.

  
  


Evan nods, departing from Connor's side as they walk opposite ways.

Evan can handle this.

It can't be  _ that  _ bad.

_ Right _ ?

  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  


Turns out it could be quite that bad, because Evan is currently at the bottom of the school floor and it smells like piss and sweat and teenage boy, which coincidentally, is not a very nice fucking smell to fill your lungs when you're having a panic attack. 

What started it was a few boys behind him in math class. They threw a couple of notes at him, just a couple, and he doesn't know why it stung so much but it just did. He always slipped under the radar. He was never noticed, never seen- why can't he go back to that?

There were a few different things written on the paper. 'Faggot', 'Freak', but what hit him the most was 'quitter'.

  
  


'Quitter.'

_ You can't even kill yourself right. _

'Quitter.'

_ Why don't you just do what you do best? _

'Quitter.'

_ You know there are blades in your bookbag. _

'Quitter.'

_ Do it. _

_ ' _ Quitter.'

_ Be good at something for once. _

'Quitter.'

_ Be what they say you are. _

_ ' _ Quitter.'

Evan is pathetic. He's pathetic for getting all bitchy about something like this, why is he like this? This isn't even comparable to the stuff Connor's probably gone through. He's being dumb and he's over reacting and....  
  
  


He's biting at his jeans, grabbing at himself, because he can't feel  _ anything.  _ He can't feel his face, and he pinches, but he gets nothing but a feeling of radio silence in him. He scratches and picks but nothing is working. There's a burning feeling in his chest and everything is going  _ dark,  _ dark spots are filling his vision and ridding him of the privilege of being able to see.

  
  
  
  


Turns out, it's one he wants. He can't breathe, so he gasps, takes deep breaths to try and fill himself up again, but nothing is working. It's like he's exhaling over and over and over and over again, and no air is coming in. He makes a desperate keening sound, scratching at the tiles.

  
  
  


When something is touching him, a rough hand on the cheek of his face, Evan chases it, pushing himself further into it because  _ yes, yes this is what he needs,  _ this is what he needs to wring him back to reality.

  
  


His breathing is evening, he can take a few huffs in, and it's the best Panic Attack First Breath that he's ever had. His hands are being shooed away from his arms, and he lets it happen, because he can  _ breathe  _ and that's what matters.

  
  


"Evan," Connor. He knows that voice, it's Connor. "Evan. Are you with me?"

  
  


Evan simply leans further into the touch in response, all the way into his chest, and heaves. 

  
  


Connor makes a sound that sounds like a mix of endearment and worry. Evan's eyesight is starting to slowly deescalate from complete darkness, and now he can focus on the few things he does see.

  
  


Connor's arm. The Bathroom stalls. The sinks. The floor. The toilets. Connor's face.

  
  


He relaxes.

  
  


This is real. Everything is real. Connor is real.

  
  


Evan lifts his head up from Connor's chest and wipes at his eyes, not having realized he was crying in the first place.

  
  


"It was- there were these shitty dudes? I think their names were like. Jacob and Michael, something like that. They're popular. I kind of got some n- notes thrown at me, and I don't know, I. Was being over dramatic and it was stupid and I don't know, it just really bother- bothered me.." Evan trails off, but when he looks up, Connor has the pieces of paper in his hands. 

  
  


There's this new look on his face, a look that he's never quite met with before. Defensive. His eyebrows are pinned down, making firm lines in his forehead. Presses together lips, showing his dimples. He has an almost aggressive hold on the notes, and he slams it down, making Evan jump.

  
  


"Fucking  _ dicks,"  _ Connor bites out, standing up and reaching his hand out for Evan to grab. He does, and he's lifted from the ground with a slightly rough pull. "Are you feeling okay?"

Evan nods, but then pauses. He didn't feel horrible _ ,  _ just jumpy and small. He just needed to not be  _ here.  _ At school.

It wasn't the best place to be while recovering from a panic attack. 

  
  


"Okay, we can skip and I'll drive you home," Connor says softly, all open and caring and nurturing. Evan discards the warm feeling that blooms in his stomach and travels it's way up to his chest.

  
  


"So, what was your address aga-"

Evan zones out and looks to the floor, following Connor where he seems to be leading him. He feels tired and worn and loose and honestly, all he really wants is to lay in someone's arms and never let go. Just. Fall asleep, there, on their chest. 

Apparently he wasn't paying enough attention.

He's pushed to the ground suddenly-  _ randomly,  _ his head collides with the cold, dirty floor. Evan winces as he lands on his broken arm, letting out a high hiss of pain. He can't understand what's happening, because it's all happening  _ so  _ fast- Evan struggles to get up as he balances himself on one arm, able to hold himself up on all fours at this point.

There's a foot. It's a big one- and it's clothed by a sneaker. It's just a few steps away from his face, and it kicks up, so he braces for impact-

But nothing comes.

  
  


He can't see anything. He blinks wearily when he realizes there's a crowd, now, surrounding him. He reaches up for his own face and flinches at the slight trickle of blood that sits on his lip, eyes trailing to across the floor.

And that's when he sees it.

Connor is above one of the boys-  _ one  _ of them-(where' s the other one?) And he just. Wont stop. He just keeps on punching, keeps on hitting, and the boy below him is putting on as much of a fight, pushing at his chest and punching right back. There's a point where somebody has a hold on somebody else's neck.

  
  


Evan stumbles up, because can't people  _ die  _ in fist fights? He joins in on pulling Connor off with the teachers, because the more he keeps going the more trouble he's in. Evan's added strength is what pulls him off, and Connor is still breathing, rough and hard. He has a black eyes and a few red spots across his neck, even a little blood by his lip.

It's not exactly a pretty sight.

Connor can get expelled for this. Who knows how much other fist fights he's been in.

Who knows what will happen when his parents, that Evan already doesn't have the best opinion on, come to pick him up.

It's when he looks up that Evan realizes that Connor is running _.  _ Running like it's for his life in the other direction, probably to exit school, so Evan runs behind him and doesn't stop for the calls of the teachers.

Evan's eyes flicker behind him, and he slows, for just a moment. Jared is staring back at him. Big eyes and tousled hair- he looks bewildered, confused, maybe a little agitated. Evan knows that look, and for the first time since they were seven, he's the one that turns away. 

  
  


' _ I guess you haven't gotten used to this, have you?' _

As he catches up, Connor looks to him, and besides all his scarrings and marks, gives him a little playful smile.

  
  


It's strange.

It tugs on his eyes and makes below them just a tiny bit wrinkly, his nose crinkles up along with it. Slightly cracked lips with dried blood on them lift up into a grin, eyebrows doing a  _ thing  _ where they look so perfectly crafted, so pretty, that Evan might just die if he looks at them for longer.

And it's strange, because. Had Evan always felt this way?

No. Probably not.

But he doesn't mind feeling this way, about a friend.

  
  


Because that's what Connor is.

A friend.

Right?

  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  


Evan is running. He doesn't know what direction Connor is bringing him, but he's running along him as fast as he can, and sooner or later they're in his car and just. Driving.

  
  


This.. It's fast. Too fast. Everything is moving quick and nothing is waiting for a turn. All Evan sees are the little lines outside of the window that he can't decipher, Connor is holding on tight to the wheel and the music is the slowest thing about this whole trip to wherever Connor and he are going.

  
  


It's fast.

  
  


Evan likes the speed, oddly. Normally, everything in his life is moving a little slower than his pace, too careful, and he's grown to like it- but it' s just not enough, at moments.  _ This,  _ though, isn' t his normal- and even though it's overwhelming, Evan is kind of. Addicted to it. The feeling.

  
  


"How is your Mom gonna react when she finds out you skipped?" Connor asks, looking at him. Evan thinks about it for a moment.

  
  


Well  _ fuck.  _ He hadn't thought about that.

"Tell her I panicked and ran. Lost my way because I was li- like to anxious, or something." Evan says, calmly, making his story up as he goes. It seems solid. And it seems like a story Heidi wouldn't question, because of  _ course  _ she wouldn't.

Connor raises an eyebrow as he stops in front of a rundown orchard. He parks and looks over to Evan.

"You're.. Good at lying." Evan crumbles, lips pressing together as he tries the door. He's stopped by child lock (again) and this time doesn't even bother trying again.

Connor knows.

Evan doesn' t mind that.

"Yeah, I, uh," Evan looks at the window and sees how it honestly looks…. Awfully pretty. The orchard.  _ Humongous  _ trees, long, big branches and overgrown grass. "I've had a lot of practice."

Connor doesn't push further, which thank fuck he didn't, Evan couldn't be held under so many questions for so long. He looks strange, nervous, maybe. He has a good bite on his lip. 

Evan nearly asks if he' s just supposed to ignore the fact that Connor just got into a fight. Something tells him that keeping that to himself might be better for this situation.

  
  


Careful.

He needs to be careful. Not because he's  _ scared  _ of Connor- his 'fear' of him had evaporated long ago, but because he's scared that this moment might just. Wither away.

Connor has smiled so much more, lately. He always looked so.. Bright. And that was weird, because they met in a  _ mental hospital _ , but he looked better. Just. A little better.

"So, Like.. I thought maybe I could bring you to this orchard. It's. Obviously not even that big of a deal and dumb as shit but I  _ loved  _ this place while I was a kid and it's calming to me and you like trees and I was like 'well Evan likes trees'. So." Connor is rambling a little, but talking at a slow pace so Evan can catch up. Evan shakes his head, grinning, just a bit, because he's  _ smitten  _ with the way Connor brushes his hair behind his ear.

In a friend way.

It's in a friend way.

"Nono, It's- It's okay. I like it. It's really really pretty."

  
  


Connor goes around and unlocks the door for Evan, and he steps out. The gate is.. Kind of short, in all honesty, and easy to climb. Evan's still a little cautious. Connor could fall, and then what?

  
  


"You..want to- to  _ climb  _ this?" Evan asks, uncertainty clouding his eyes. This might not be safe.

  
  


Nothing they've done so far is safe, though, so. What's the harm?

  
  


Lots of harm. There are plenty of bad things that could happen in this situation, like falling down the gate, or getting caught, or the car getting towed, or Connor actually being a mass murderer that kills his victims here.

  
  


All of those things are Harmful Things.

  
  
  


He climbs the gate anyway right by Connor, and writhes in how proud he feels of himself when he gets over the fence. It's nice. He buries his feet into the grass a little and decides to ignore how this is a major safety hazard, walking along the sudden trail that shows itself when you get further into the orchard.

  
  
  
  


It's quiet. The birds are chirping and the twigs beneath their feet are snapping, but besides that, it's silent.

Evan has a weird thing, around silence. Because there are so many things that could go wrong in one. Somebody could talk while it's a comfortable silence and ruin the entire mood.  _ Nobody  _ talks during an awkward one? Even worse. 

  
  


But he would call this comfortable. He hopes Connor would too.

  
  


Apparently, it isn't, because Connor breaks it, leaning onto one of these big oak trees and taking a seat under the leaves. He makes a 'come hither' motion to Evan with his fingers.

So Evan does. He sits next to Connor under the shade even though it's already kinda cold. It's only october,but it's still fucking  _ freezing.  _ He shivers. Connor, on the other hand, seems completely unbothered.

He pulls out something that looks like a cigarette and then looks towards Evan with a wary, cautious face. "Mind if I smoke?"

Evan shakes his head.

So now they're here, under this big oak tree. With their uncomfortable/comfortable silence and smoke coming out from under it. 

"So.. What's up with you and Jared Kleinmen?"

Evan nearly chokes on his spit, coughing a few times and clearing his throat, before crowding in on himself and burying his face into his knees. " _ Nothing, _ " He says, just a little too harshly.

He was kind of hoping he could just. Forget. About Jared.

Doesn't seem like it'll ever be that easy.

"I saw how he was lookin' at you. Is he your boyfriend or something?" Connor sounds like what he just said was practiced, thought out. He's picking at his nails, almost as if to seem… Careless?

Careless. Surely careless.

" _ No.  _ God n-no, we were never… We never put a label on it."

Connor raises a bemused eyebrow. " _ Label? _ "

Shit, that's not a good look. Evan knows that Connor knows that Evan knows that Connor knows. Not good news, at all. "I mean- our friendship! He never told me that what we had..was a friendship." It was a little bit true. Evan never knew if it was romantic or if it was completely platonic. Everytime he asked, 'family friends' was the only answer he was provided.

  
  


Sooner or later he just stopped asking.

  
  


Evan always wondered if Family Friends fucked each other, and apparently, they do. 

"You know, you're terrible at lying about little things."

  
  


No real point in lying now, is there? Evan picks at his polo shirt and looks to the grass. This was… embarrassing. He'd never talked about it out loud with anyone before, not even really Jared, if he was being truthful. They kinda just.  _ Did.  _ They never talked about the relationship, it was always just  _ there. _

  
  


"We aren't dating. We had an argument, but… We were ne- never dating in the first place."

Connor makes this sound of relief. A breathy sigh, heavy on the ears. He sounds comforted.

Gosh, did he hate Jared that much?

"I'm bi. By the way." Connor mumbles, and why would he even want Evan to  _ know  _ that? Like. Obviously Evan is too, but it's weird how he seems kind of open about it.

Or maybe Evan just isn't used to being open about something as 'tacky' as his sexuality. 

God, he's weird.

That's weird.

Evan rests his head on the bark of the tree and sighs, tightening up the strings to the hoodie and burying his head into it. What should he even talk about? Do people  _ talk  _ in a silence like this? Is the silence good, or bad? Neutral? 

  
  


Fuck.

If only him and Jared actually  _ talked  _ when they were still a thing so he would have some idea what to say. 

Connor looks just as awkward. He's twitching, just. A little, and playing with his hair, braiding loose strands into little twists. He opens his mouth, then closes it again, stretching his legs far out and clacking his boots together.

Evan would even say it's… kind of endearing. How careful he seems.

  
  


"Did you know the universe is in the shape of a human figure?" Connor blurts, and he raises an eyebrow at him, because  _ what?  _ He shakes his head in confusion a little, crossing his legs and picking at his nails. "Uh, no. Do you- Do you like space?" Connor kind of chuckles. "Like..  _ Space _ ? You mean space between people or-"

Evan shakes his head _ again,  _ because fuck, he needs to make himself more clear. "I mean like- space as in s- stars, gravity, stuff like that."

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Connor looks bewildered, and presses his lips into a firm line. All his facial features shift into confusion, and Evan is a little annoyed that he seems so not-used to being listened to.

Connor deserves that. Being listened to.

"I mean- yeah? Yeah. Thanks. So like, my favourite type of star is…"

Evan listens along to whatever Connor is saying, listens to him talk about meteors and stars and rocks and alien conspiracies. He watches the way Connor's eyes light up and how he looks ever so content and focused on such a specific subject.

And if he stares at Connor's lips the  _ entire  _ time, then that's just a coincidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a bit longer, my mental health was Not the best today and i just needed a moment to get on my feet.
> 
> Anyways, Evan pining. Also pretty connor. And space nerd connor. Because none of you can legally stop me.
> 
> And I didn't gramatically check this chapter because im a lazy cunt, so this is what you get 😌
> 
> Kudos and comments are as always appreciated!💞💖


	6. we're going down, down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: for not very graphically descripted self harm(very very brief) and a panic attack. Possibly a break down.

Connor drives him back home with something cheesy playing in the background and with the windows all the way down. He was still talking about whatever was on his mind- it seemed when you got Connor started, he didn't shut up. He waves Evan off with a 'good luck', tells him to call him back so he can make sure he isn't dead.

It was probably aimed to be a joke, but honestly, Evan wouldn't put it past himself to just drop dead at confrontation.

When Evan gets home, for just a moment before he closes the door, it's almost like everything he needs to be worrying about is pushed to the back of his head, for just a moment. All he can think about in those few seconds is Connor's smile, Connor's laugh, Connor's eyebrows and neck and collarbones and hands and nose and  _ lips.  _ Everything was Connor, and he was awfully okay with that- but then reality hit him.

Like a truck.

Heidi was standing at the counter, because of course she was. She had a firm hold on a chair, and her head was hung down, almost in shame. Greasy bangs fell over her forehead, and he grimaced.

He needs to explain. Right now.

"Mom. I just.. I p-panicked and ran and lost my way home, I'm  _ sorry _ , it wasn't anything bad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for w- worrying you, I'm sorry-" He keeps on mumbling, and he takes a few steps towards her. When she doesn't respond, it sends him into a spiral.

  
  


God, what if she can see straight through his lie? What if she  _ knows  _ already, saw the car parked out of the house? What the fuck was he thinking when he started running next to connor, what was going through his fucking head? 

Evan takes a few steps back and it feels like he's whimpering, it feels like he's sagging _ ,  _ like his stomach has fallen right onto the floor board and all he can do is stare at it. He sucks back tears, wipes at his eyes. "Mom?" He says, softly, carefully, moving towards her again. She looks like she's getting smaller and smaller as he gets closer.

  
  


Smaller and smaller.

This.. This isn't about the school thing.

This is something else.

He reaches out to place a hand on her shoulder and she lolls into his chest, body limp.

What the fuck is wrong with his Mom, and why is she acting so weird?

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." She sniffles, wrapping her thin arms around his back, and he makes a sound that's a mix of confusion and worry, swallowing down nothing. 

  
  
  


There' s silence, and he guesses he's expected to say something- anything. Ask what's wrong, what she's sorry for. Does she think that this is somehow  _ her  _ fault? Because Evan is a piece of shit if he somehow got his Mom to do that.

  
  


He races around in his memories to think about anything, anything at all that might give him a hint on what she's saying, what's she's talking about. 

Nothing comes.

"M-Mom? What do you mean, what are y- you sorry for?" He asks, and she pulls away from him. She looks nervous, ashamed. There are mascara streaks staining under her eyes, and around her chin. 

"I- I couldn't say no. We would have to go to court, we would have to do so many things to keep you and this will be an opportunity for you anyway," Evan is catching up, trying to collect her words, but nothing is clicking properly. She isn't being forward enough.

  
  


Heidi needs to spit it the fuck out before he breaks down.

He' s at a loss for words as she keeps on, not stopping for breath. 

  
  


"And we don't have enough money to go to court, Evan, I'm sorry. I couldn't.. You couldn't.. I couldn't even get you to talk to me, maybe it's better that he' s gonna have you-"

Evan's eyebrows furrow, and tears water up in his eyes, stinging as they roll down his face. She couldn't mean that. She couldn't. There's no way she would send him with that piece of shit, she would never do that, she would never do that.

  
  


Heidi was desperate to give him a good life. And yeah, that was understandable or whatever, he's not a dumbass. He knows he has anxiety and crippling mental health and a big sob story. He knows. He's not stupid.

But this, she wouldn't go  _ this far,  _ would she? Just. Handing him over just because Mark asked? She wouldn' t do that.

  
  


"Mom?" He asks, trying to prompt an answer, anything for her to say something that might be of comfort. 'Haha! Joking,' or the 'But', but it never comes. They just stand there in the middle of the kitchen and she starts sobbing, and for the first time, for the first time since he was seven, watching his Dad walk out, he feels like he can't do anything to help.

  
  


He hates that he's pitying her.

He hates that he always pities people.

  
  


"Is this to get rid of me? Is that- Is that what you want? Sending me to this fucking guy that j- just let the shit that was happening to me fucking happen and you won't even  _ do anything about it? _ " He's met with a section of silence, and he laughs. It bubbles up in his throat and even with the tears that are well dried, it' s still painful looking at her.

  
  


She just turns away from him. She knows this is wrong. Heidi knows this is wrong and all she can say is she's sorry.

  
  


She doesn't even want to  _ try.  _ She's too 'tired' to try.

  
  


He knows she's tired. No matter how hard she tries to hide it, Heidi is a horrible liar. But fuck.

Is he really not even worth  _ trying  _ to keep?

Is being tired her only excuse? That's it? She just doesn't want to deal with it?

Evan is trying to be angry. He's trying to be angry, he wants to be. But the further he thinks about it, she can't do anything. They're broke, they probably don't even have a lawyer, and he  _ could  _ choose which parent to be with, but.. If she's proven an apparent bad parent, it won't matter what he thinks.

Helpless.

They're plain fucking helpess.

Heidi reaches out for him, but he snatches his hand away. The look she gives him nearly tempts him to open up. Let her in and let her cry on his shoulder like she just Does sometimes. Let her talk about her work and bitch about small things.

But he's…  _ tired. _

He' s tired.

He's going to bed.

  
  


"..One week. One week until he's driving to get you."

He ignores her, continuing to walk up the stairs and hearing her break down on the floor. When he's finally by himself, he slams the door behind him, and grabs one of his pillows. This is what he does, when he's so pissed out of his mind that he can barely think, and he takes a deep inhale.

But then he pauses.

Screaming into pillows won't be very good at Mark's house. Won't feel the same. He won't have the same window to look through, won' t have the same bed, or the same carpet to smash his feet on until his toes are numb.

Nothing will feel the same.

And Evan's never openly screamed in this house before. Sure, he was home alone all the time, but he'd never done it. Maybe it's because screaming into a pillow was better. The comfort, the grabbing onto it so you can just.. Punch something other than yourself.

It was good.

But before he leaves in a week, he wants to learn how to use his fucking voice.

So he does. Evan throws the pillow across the room, hears it hit something, and decides he doesn't fucking care what it hit. And he screams. He screams until his throat is dry and he screams until he hears Heidi crying harder downstairs, he screams until the house is shaking under his feet and he screams until he' s throwing something and he learns that it is, apparently glass, because it shatters into a million pieces.

He's glad it did.

A sob wracks through him, down to his stomach, travels down his legs and to his feet and he lets it. He lets himself fall to the floor and grabs the counter next to his bed and  _ pushes,  _ watching everything fall over. Watches everything shatter and break and tumble.

  
  


He grabs one of the broken blades and doesn't realize what he's doing until it's done and over. 

  
  


Evan stumbles back, and grabs his phone, clicking Connor's name and bringing it to his ear.

"C- Connor? Can we… Can we meet up real quick?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  
  


Evan doesn't know what he was thinking when he abruptly called Connor, and they met out at the park next to his house. When he walks through the front door to leave thinking Heidi is asleep, he doesn't falter when they make eye contact. She looks away as he opens the door and closes it behind him.

She has no room to judge.

  
  


Now, they're on the swings. Evan liked the swings as the kid. He liked the feeling of his stomach dropping, and how it was kinda risky, how he could fall off if he went too far. He liked the fear that pounded in his head the first time he felt gravity pull him down.

Now, he goes onto the swings for breaks. From living. From breathing. Goes onto the swings when he has nothing else better to do other than bitch and moan about how sucky his life is.

It's the first time he's had someone next to him on the swings for a while. 

It's dark. Maybe two or three A.M. in the morning, but Evan guesses he just. Couldn't wait.

  
  


He's trying to be strong for once, he's trying to suck it up, but the first little gasp he lets out unloads what feels like gallons of tears. He feels his heart pull to the bottom of his stomach, cramp there and stay. 

Even though he's the one that called Connor out here, it feels like he has nothing to say. Break the news that he's leaving and probably forever, that their friendship won't even get a chance. He grabs at the hoodie Connor gave him and bites it, choking back a scream.

He's fine.

"Hey," Connor says, sounding so warm and so hesitant and so careful and like that one voice Connor uses for him and for only him. It makes him feel special. Like this care, like it's only for him. It makes Evan crack just that much more, because he won't have this anymore.

  
  


Connor reaches out, holding Evan's face in his hand and creating small patterns. It feels a little weird, because of the bumps there and the pimples and the scratches that have developed over the years, but Evan leans into it anyway.

Connor has nice hands.

  
  


"I'm sorry. I- They're making me go, my Dad just fucking sh- showed up and I'm sorry that I'm leaving you I don't want to leave you I don't w- want to go but I have no choice and I'm so so so so sorry Connor, I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" Evan is rambling at this point, and there's a bitter taste in his mouth when he realizes he sounds just like his Mother.

Connor catches on quicker than him, because his mouth makes an 'o' shape, and his eyebrows knit together. Evan waits for impact. Waits to be yelled at, screamed at, maybe pushed. 

This is his fault, one way or another, isn't it? If he hadn't pushed Mark away like he did when he came to visit, maybe he would be a little more light with trying to see him.

This is his fault. So he expects to be held accountable.

But it doesn't happen.

  
  


"Evan," His head snaps up at the sound of Connor saying his name the way he always does. "Evan, do you want to go?"

  
  


Evan rapidly shakes his head. Fuck no, he doesn't, but what other options are there? He sniffles, accidently smearing his snot on the cloth of the hoodie.

  
  


Connor's hand drops from his cheek to grab his hand. He squeezes. Evan does the same.

  
  


"Okay, so, like. Stuff hasn't been the best or whatever at my house, and obviously at your Dad's house it's not gonna be good. And I want us both to be safe. And I know like, the whole 'I follow where you follow' mindset is potentially 'toxic', but. We don't really have anything else to live for other than the people around us? And it's better than just. Dying." Evan tries to read in on the 'or whatever', but he isn't given any more insight on that, so he lets it pass.

He cringes at the word 'Dad', but nods along, anyway. He understands that. For a while, Heidi was the only reason he stayed around.

He's not exactly his own first priority.

But.

What is Connor getting at?

"So, if you wanted to.. Maybe- Maybe we could run away together? I mean, I have so much saved up money that it's insane and we can use public transportation of course and we can find a hotel and shit and we'd be  _ fine,  _ I'm sorry I shouldn't have even fucking asked-"

  
  


It clicks in Evan's head and he feels a bubble of excitement in his chest. He doesn't know why running away sounds.. Good. Very good. Maybe it' s because he doesn't want to go with his Dad or he wants to do something dangerous for once, something risky, and yes he knows that's.. Probably not what this is going to be.

  
  


But this is the only other option. The only  _ safe  _ option. The only option that includes Connor. 

He has two choices- better, but risky, or horrible, and risky.

He's choosing the latter.

"No! No, I mean, yes.  _ Yes _ . Yes, I'll- I'll go. With you." Evan answers, all quick, maybe a little too loud. He's worried if he doesn't speak loud enough ,this opportunity will vanish like Most of the opportunities he's provided does.

  
  


Or Connor will vanish. That's even worse. Connor has just settled himself into Evan's life, just two weeks ago they met. And Evan is.. Intrigued. More intrigued than he probably should be. And he doesn't want they've got going on, that's still so new and so fresh to finish just yet.

He wants it to stay. Wants  _ Connor  _ to stay. Even if it's not for forever.

"O..Okay? You should go and. Pack your shit? Right now?" Connor has this laugh on his voice, a giggle on there, and Evan sees a bag right next to Connor's swing.

  
  


He raises his eyebrows in confusion.

"Is.. Is that- have you already packed your bag?" Evan asks, and he feels honored. Connor came with a bad  _ before  _ he even knew what was happening. Connor was already planning to ask to leave with him, Connor wanted  _ Evan _ , Evan of all people to come with him.

It sends a warm, fluffy feeling through his chest. 

"I.. Yeah. I was gonna ask you, but I guess right now this is kind of like.. Necessary. Now?" Connor trails, and Evan nods along, when a realization hits him.

He would have a week. A week to see his Mom just a few times more before he leaves, but the risk that he might change his mind is too big for him. He also hasn't apologized to her.

For everything.

There's a bitter guilt in his chest, rolling around in knots, but when he thinks of what could happen if he went with Mark, it quickly dissolves.

Hesitation is not a privilege he has right now. He'll leave her a note, pack a few quick clothes, and. They'll be gone.

They'll be gone.

Evan doesn't care where they're going, and for the first time in a while, he wants to be impulsive. He doesn't want to think, he doesn't want to feel, he wants to chase after the voice in his head that's pushing him to follow it.

  
  


He won't pack many clothes. Three outfits, one that's pajamas, and he leaves his phone. Write a quick note, leave it at the table. Leave.

"Okay. M-My house?" It comes out breathy and warm because  _ holy shit holy shit holy shit,  _ they're actually doing this. 

Connor stands up.

"Okay. Then let's get it moving, Hansen."

  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  
  


Connor is waiting around the block when Evan comes back into the house. Heidi is finally asleep, lazily flopped across the couch, with slobber dripping from her mouth. 

There's a bottle of wine on the coffee table, and he makes sure to avoid all the creaks in the wood when he passes it by. As he walks up the stairs, he takes in all the cracked frames of pictures that sit there. In one, it has Heidi, him, and Mark all in one picture. Heidi has one arm wrapped around Evan, a hand rested on his head.

Mark' s face has been drawn all over.

He remembers when he was a child and realized Mark was gone, he grabbed a red marker (It was his favourite color, or at least that's what he told Evan.) And drew all over his face. Let the ink run and even poked a few holes through.

Evan pauses, for just a moment, and takes the picture frame off the wall. He walks up the stairs, and closes the door behind him.

In his room, he sees the moonlight shine in through his window, and blinks in confusion at it. Moonlight had never looked so pretty in his room before.

His phone is on the bed, looks like it was lazily thrown onto the bed with how tangled it is in the sheets. He passes it by, grabbing exactly what he thought he would and stuffing it into his book bag. Two polos, two pairs of pants, and pajama clothes. 

He looks over to his pillow and sees his childhood stuffy that he'll never admit he still cuddles with, Elle. Evan remembers pressing Elle The Elephant to his chest when the fighting got too loud and breathing in, out, in, out, until he fell asleep.

Hesitantly, he grabs the stuffy and stuffs it into his bag.

Evan looks up to the ceiling, and sees the twenty four glow up stars scattered across it that he still counts. A few have fallen, since they were taped on, but twenty four became his lucky number.

  
  


Twenty four was when his mom had him. The twenty fourth of June was the day of his birthday.

Twenty four.

He turns to his desk and grabs a piece of paper, not bothering to sit down. He needs to get this moving.

Evan's hand stills over the piece of paper, and he decides to just let it happen. Let the words flow out. Let himself not think for a moment, to get it over with. 

Which was  _ not  _ helpful. Evan is always thinking.

_ I'm sorry. _

No, he has nothing big to apologize for. Well. Maybe he does? Maybe he's just not thinking about it enough, maybe this is wrong. She thinks he'll be safe there. What if he made up all the shit that happened when he was with Mark for those five months? 

What if?

_ This isn't your fault. _

_ I'm sorry that I have to leave, but I really don't have any other choice. I know you want to believe that I'll be safe there, but I won't be. I'll be safer where I'm going. _

_ I'll contact you when I'm sure I'm safe. I love you. _

_ -Evan _

That's good. Nice and short, small, reassuring. It's good. 

This is good.

He takes a deep breath, and turns around, leaving the paper there on his desk.

He throws the bag over his back and tip toes back out the room. Connor already has money, so he doesn't bother taking any.

Thoughts spill into his head.  _ What if you run out? What if there's not enough? What if his parents don't even deserve to get stolen from?  _

But Evan puts those thoughts aside.

Heidi needs that money.

Evan slips down the stairs, and when he looks to Heidi, she's staring right back at him. Right through him. She knows, he's positive that she knows, because Heidi  _ always _ knows. She doesn't catch on on the big things, but on the small, she does.

Could he consider this a small thing, though?

Heidi is on her side, still in her work clothes and hair crowning her face. Deep, dark circles shape her eyes, and he shivers. 

He can't hold eye contact for much longer.

But then her eyes flicker back closed, and he lets out a breath of relief, turning and opening the door. 

He always hated the dark. 

He locks the door behind him, and realizes he still has the key. He probably shouldn't have that, right? This isn't his house anymore. This isn't home. He swallows and wearily slips the key into his back pocket, following the street lights and grinning just a little when he sees Connor standing next to a street light.

_ Just in case. _

He holds on tight to the key, and with every step he takes closer, he moves just a little bit faster. 

_ Just in case. _

_ Just in case he needs to get back, just in case. _

  
  


_ Just in case. _

  
  


~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahaha heeyyyy i know it took me long- but- here 😎 have this chapter
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated as always!💞💖


	7. We'll laugh until our ribs get stuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Living, breathing, chasing.

Evan takes a deep breath, and it's the first-breath-in-the-morning- type breath. He's wrapped up in something warm, something good, something safe, and there's this weird misty feel to the air. As his eyes flutter open, all his senses punch in.

  
  


A head is pressed against his shoulder.

  
  


Which he doesn't mind. Him and the person that's so snuggly pressed against his shoulder are sharing a dark blue blanket, that's soft and warm. Evan looks around the bus, and there are only a few faces. A man with a long, outgrown beard snoring away with a newspaper on his lap. A young woman with her legs crossed and sunglasses covering up her eyes.

  
  


He would look further down the line, but he's too sleepy to try, so he lets out a soft hum. Everything is still.

  
  


All he knows is Connor's sharp jaw against his shoulders and this cold seat and this warm blanket.

  
  


He could stay here, on this bus, for ever and ever and ever. 

  
  


But then it abruptly stops, and it shakes everyone in it so hard that even Connor startles up, wiping at his eyes and yawning.

  
  


" **Please exit the train for …"** Goes the speaker, and both Evan and him jump up at the sound, grabbing their bags and hopping out of the bus. The dark blue blanket is nearly left behind when Evan grabs onto it, and he lets out a sigh of relief when it doesn't get caught in the doors.

  
  


Evan looks to Connor, and he looks right back. They're on a sidewalk while rain patters down so softly on the concrete, and suddenly Connor just. Starts laughing.

  
  


It's not like Evan minds it, not at  _ all.  _ A laughing Connor is a pretty fucking rare Connor, and he takes it in when he can get it. Connor's skin is a pretty shade of pale with a rosy glow draped right over his nose, and it's  _ so  _ pretty Evan might just. Die here looking at him.

  
  


Evan feels like he's melting, while he's looking at Connor. He feels like he's just shrinking and shrinking and shrinking until he's nothing more than goop on the floor.

  
  


Connor notices Evan's confusion and it seems it only makes him laugh harder. "I'm  _ sorry  _ I just, Holy shit." Connor looks at him with big eyes and lifted eyebrows, another look that has been crafted Only for Evan. 

  
  


Evan grins in response because he just can't help it when Connor is looking at him like that, and he feels all warm and fuzzy and terribly deep in  _ something  _ with Connor, though he can't put his finger on it. There's something there. 

  
  


"I mean. We like. Totally just did that, dude, oh my fucking god." Evan nods along, and takes into note how his hair is pinned into a Not Well Put Together bun, how there are these little strands that are just.. The slightest tint of bright purple.

  
  


Hidden color. Hidden under the dark, long strands of ebony, crowning his face and making him look  _ sharp,  _ poky, under all that, are light, pretty strands of bright purple.

  
  


Hidden right under the surface.

  
  


"A- You brought a blanket?" Evan says, because it's a very Connor thing to do, but Connor just smiles in response, so bright, so pretty, so open. Connor nods and only shrivels in more into his scarf. 

  
  


They stand there in silence, not quite knowing what to do with themselves. Connor is catching his breath, and Evan is admiring for just a little too long.

  
  


Even though he wants to question the warm feeling in his chest, he puts it aside. 

This is a friendship.

They're just friends.

Evan kind of giggles just a little more, because just looking at him gives him an unnecessary amount of happiness, when suddenly Connor grabs his hand and tugs, running with him against the cold air when he sees the building that they are apparently staying at.

"Onward!" Connor points, all through his heavy laughter, and Evan laughs right with him.

His bun is slowly loosening, and their mitten hands are pressed together and warm and the morning mist is still so cold, biting at their skin, but there's an odd balance with the out of breath feeling that's tugging on him.

Connor looks so  _ happy.  _ Evan never thought someone, (especially with Connor's problems,) could look so fucking  _ light _ and delicate before. It scares him, how expressive Connor is.

But it's in a good way.

In a  _ very  _ good way. 

  
  


The town streets are empty and he can barely see anyone except just a few people that give them strange, contained looks. As they pass, the whole world slips away. Everything is gone.

It's only them.

Only them running through these streets, only them with their heavy breathing and their scarves wrapped tight around their faces, hand in hand.

Only them.

Sooner or later, Connor slows down, but his hand is still connected to his. He's too scared to bring it up, too scared that he'll leave, too scared that maybe he's not supposed to say anything.

  
  


So he doesn't.

Connor stops right before a hotel,  _ their  _ hotel, and turns to him with that same welcoming grin.

It's only them.

It's only them.

It's only them.

  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  
  
  
  


When they did enter the hotel, Evan was making a very good impression on a tomato when the employee looked at him and rolled his eyes, setting on Connor as she just. Talked to him and  _ completely  _ ignored Evan, which, okay, understandable, he could barely complete a sentence without cowering under her stare, but it still stung.

  
  


When Connor gets the keys placed in his hand and starts walking to the elevator, Evan is quick to scurry right behind him, because  _ fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck _ -

"You good?" Connor asks, just a mumble of concern in his voice, and he nods in response, swallowing down any type of hesitance he could possibly give off. Connor is still holding his hand, and he squeezes, offering Evan a reassuring smile.

He smiles back.

The elevator starts to go up, and Connor yawns, everything feeling slow and steady and warm. His eyes are heavy, and his arms are heavy, and everything is  _ heavy. _ Connor leans onto his arm and huffs out a breath as they reach the third floor. 

All that excitement and speed and running has dragged all the energy out of them and he doesn't really react with other than a little movement of jazz hands with Connor when they open the door. They drop onto the couch and a collective sigh hangs in the air.

They're safe.

They've made it.

It doesn't feel as weird as it should. Maybe it's because it hasn't sat into his head yet that he's here and safe with  _ Connor _ , and that they need to start looking for tiny jobs, or that grocery shopping would probably be the best option right now, but nothing matters more than Connor. It's just them in this little hotel room, the curtains spread wide. 

"Can I get a-" Connor pauses for a moment as he struggles to raise his hands, all the while giggling through it, and it makes Evan giggle right back. "Woop woop?"

"W- Woop woop." Evan responds, plainly. And he lets himself rest against the couch, the rubbery, cold couch. They should probably move to the bed.

But when Evan tries to move, he discovers that his limbs have, apparently, given up on him.

So he gives up.

He doesn't pull away when Connor's warm chin is shoved neatly into his neck, when his legs wrap around him, skinny and thin and bendable. Spider legs. There's a content hum against his neck, and he hums back. It's their own language. 

Evan's head is empty and the only thing he can think about is connor connor connor. He doesn't panic, and he doesn't feel scared, anymore. This is safe. Connor is safe.

Connor is safe.

"Sleep?" Mumbles Connor, right into his ear, and Evan makes a sound that complies to the sound of agreement. "Mhm," He responds, eyelashes fluttering against Connor's shoulder.

  
  


Connor is safe.

And he's sure of it.

  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  


When Evan wakes up, for just a moment, he doesn't know where he is. The roof looks different from his old home,(or Heidi's house,) and the air feels clean and new and fresh. The air at his old house was… full. Stuffy. Just enough to comfort him.

Connor is still wrapped around him on the couch, and they both probably smell, they both probably  _ stink _ , actually, but he ignores it, sliding Connor off of him.

Which was a hard thing to do.

Connor was warm _.  _ Bendy. Like a portable heater. 

The bed is in the other room. It's a one bedroom, but it's not like they've never shared a bed before. He sits up, and Connor sits up with him, hair all messy and sticking this way and that. He looks at him, sleepy smile spread across his face, looking all warm and..

Gorgeous.

Connor is gorgeous.

And Evan already  _ knew  _ he liked looking at him, liked taking in all his features because he was scared he might forget them. But Connor is..

Wow.

Just. Wow.

  
  


Before he can really stop the words from leaving his mouth, they just. Slip out. And it feels nice, to let it. 

"You're so pretty." Connor's eyes widen in surprise, like he's having a hard time believing, and there's just. This tint of pink, right on his nose and a little on his cheeks. He looks  _ bashful. _

Bashful is a really nice look on Connor.

  
  


"I mean. You too?" He's trying to switch this conversation off of him. Which is totally unfair, like, so unfair, because he says everything like he's just so sure and so  _ proud  _ of what he says. Like it's true.

Connor is a good liar, apparently.

"Shut.. Shut up." Evan says, lazily, because words are hard when he's looking at him like that. Looking at him so.. so..

Evan doesn't know what Connor is looking at him like but it's got him all blushy. It's frustrating for someone to have an affect on him like this.

But then the moment is broken when his eyes tear away and to the floor, and he gets up, brushing off his jeans. Evan follows behind him, sliding his shoes back on. 

"We should like.. Go to the grocery store. Get the normal stuff. Milk, cereal, bread. An appropriate amount of sweets-" He grabs a wallet. Supposedly, said wallet has money in it. "We have enough money to last us like.. Two weeks, but we should still start looking for jobs this week. There's a store across the street." 

Evan nods along, thinking about how much planning this must have taken, how much time it must have taken.

If Connor succeeded in committing, where would Evan be right now?

He pushes the thought to the back of his head. He doesn't want to think about that right now. 

Connor is here.

And Evan is, too. And this- this is better than dying. Having someone to live for is better than dying.

  
  


"You ready?"

"Yeah. Let's- Let's go."

  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  


It's  _ really  _ cold outside.

That's the first thing Evan notices, how cold it is. It's fucking freezing, and he's glad he still has Connor's jacket on him, or he would be freezing.

Connor doesn't seem very affected by it. He just crosses his arms and huffs out a little air, chapped lips a terrible red color. 

When they enter the store, it's a little more warm. There's a quiet hum around it, and it's a bit empty, maybe twenty customers inside.

As Evan looks around, an idea pops into his head, and he gives Connor this grin. A  _ mischievous _ grin.

Connor looks at him with an eyebrow raised, grin it back. "What?" 

  
  


Evan pulls a cart from the side and sets it infront of him. "I da-I dare you to… to get in this cart." Connor snickers at him like he's joking, rolling his eyes, and when he looks back seeing Evan's little smirk not fading, his face drops.

"You have to be kidding me."

  
  


"Hm. Guess you just don't have the.. the balls to do it." Evan mumbles, pretending to pick at his nails in dis interest, in _ boredom _ , and he feels himself well up in pride when Connor struggles into the cart and settles himself in. 

"I'm.. I'm not a pussy." Connor says, flicking him off, and Evan only hums non committedly in response, big, cocky grin spread across his face.

  
  


An embarrassed Connor is a Cute Connor.

Evan grabs a hold onto the handles and pushes _ ,  _ running the cart around the corner and speeding into a column. 

Connor is going  _ insane  _ in it, grabbing onto the cart for dear life, and Evan just cackles  _ more  _ because it's so hilarious, how he's reacting.

"Evan I swear if we get kicked out this store I'm going to beat the literal _ -"  _ Evan has promptly responded with only moving faster. 

In a little, Connor is erupting into laughter, head all thrown back as he grabs random things off the counters and stuffs them into the cart. Potarts, pancakes, cereal, a few warmable dinners- all shit that they will probably need. 

As Evan runs around, he grabs a few things too, and then their turning around and going to the counter.

"Evan. Evan I have to get out of the cart-" Connor says, through laughter, and he replies with a cheeky smile as they pull right next to the cashier.

She looks tired, maybe a little confused, as Evan picks up the groceries from the cart and slowly Connor appears more and more. But the only hint she gives that she saw him is a polite nod in his direction.

  
  


The groceries are bagged and set into the cart. Evan goes back to driving him out the store, and they're walking up straight to the hotel, right in the middle of the street.

They bring in the groceries, and thankfully, it was just enough that they could take all of it first trip. When they were back in the room, it took them awhile to get everything in the cabinets and the refrigerator.

By the time they were done, Evan's hands were freezing cold and red from all the cold shit they got. 

He fell back onto the sofa and let out a deep huff.

Fucking hell,

what a long day.

  
  



End file.
